The following was written by friend and colleague David Thomas (Ret)

Communicating with the Judge is a definite no-no

Something that will never happen: your assigned Judge will never communicate with you outside of court.

Parties involved in high conflict divorce/paternity matters quite often believe that if they could just talk to the judge privately, and explain how they feel, and how evil the other parent truly is, then the judge would give them what they want.

Some misguided parties actually try calling the judge’s office, asking to speak with the judge about their case, and are surprised to find out that the judge’s assistant will not connect them because the judge does not communicate with parties except in a courtroom with both parties present. Other parties try bending the rules in their favor by sending the judge a letter, hoping to secretly voice their version of the case without the other parent knowing. The letter will be returned to the sender, unread. OR the judge will file it with the clerk of court (without reading it) and take note of the parent who attempted an improper ex parté communication.

If a judge does communicate in writing with a party, (or both parties,) it is always with a court order. However, hypothetically, if a judge ever deemed to send a letter to the parties, WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN, it might read like this FICTIONAL letter. Take heed. 

Dear Parents:

I am the judge assigned to your divorce/paternity case. I hope to never meet you. I assure you I will never meet your children. The only reason I have been assigned to your case is that you cannot make your own decisions, OR, that one or both of you is acting inappropriately by violating the law. In these cases, I have the authority to issue orders telling each of you WHEN you are allowed to see your children and DICTATING the terms of child support, property division, etc. If my orders are not obeyed, I may hold you in contempt of court and you could be sent to jail.

I am surprised every day by parents who proclaim to love their children and insist they are only trying to do what is in "the child's best interest," but then they allow me, a total stranger, to set the rules of life for them because they are too angry or stubborn to work together to come to an agreement. Wouldn't you rather make these major decisions for yourself?

If you insist upon allowing me to make major life decisions for you, be assured that both parties will be disappointed, because the reality is that parents together will make much better decisions for their children then a total stranger.

I will not allow you to use me to punish the other parent, and I promise you, I will not be fair. A judge’s oath requires me to follow the law, not to favor or be fair to one party over the other. Do not make the mistake of calling your children as witnesses to testify against the other parent, or telling me what a great parent you are. Do not put the children in the middle of your war.

Many parents make the mistake of insisting upon a trial so they can tell me how they “feel.” They seem to think it important that the judge understand their perspective. Believe me, I already know and understand your perspective when your obvious goal is to minimize the time your child spends with the other parent. You are emotionally in pain. Your dreams of happily ever after have been crushed. Your vision of the future has been altered and the need to hurt your co-parent is overwhelming your good judgment. You are hurt when the children spend time with your co-parent; you suffer anxiety and fear that the children will love them more than you. You are overlooking the fact that children need and love both their parents, and unlike the romantic love once shared by their parents, the children’s love will not fade or disappear over time. The romantic love was destroyed by incompatibility; a child’s love is not dependent upon that factor.

You claim that your motives are pure and you are only thinking about what is best for the children, but you are forgetting that I will be enforcing the child’s right to spend time with their parents—not the right of parents to spend time with their children. Your anger and pain and intense need to strike back will motivate you to try to convincing me that your co-parent is unworthy of spending as much time with the children as you. I am not here to punish a parent because of their failings as a spouse.

The litigation process that ends in a trial will leave scars on both parents and add to the hostility that already exists. You and your children will pay a heavy price if you go down this road. Be aware that a trial and final judgment is not even final. There can and will be re-hearings and costly appeals and later modifications (under certain circumstances). If you are looking for justice, fairness and finality, you will not find it in my courtroom.

I look forward to receiving a signed agreement rather than a request for trial.

Sincerely,

[Your Circuit Judge]

We can never go back again, that much is certain. —Daphne DuMaurier .. Each Day a New Beginning

Yesterday is gone

but its experiences will be reflected in those of today. We learned from both the good and the bad situations of yesterday. Where we travel today will, likewise, influence our direction tomorrow. We can’t do over what has gone before, but we can positively incorporate all that life is offering us from this moment forth.

We are moving toward greater understanding of life’s mysteries with each experience. As today unfolds, we can be moved by the adventures. What we experience is ours alone and will contribute to the unfolding of our special destiny. We move forward, only forward. The doors behind us are closed forever. Facing what comes to us, with strength, is a gift from the program we share. Letting go of yesterdays and the last years is another gift offered by this program. Trust that what we face along with what we let go will weave the pattern of our rightful unfolding—that is the untimate gift given to us by this program.

I need never look back again. I am spared that. My destiny lies in the future. And I can be certain it will bring me all that I desire, and more.